Friday, April 12, 2013

The struggle

From time to time I'm going to talk about my own experiences, struggles, etc with cross dressing. First I will say that it is probably different for every cross dresser. For me it has been even been more difficult. My religion, my father, and my family don't really understand it. Well my father doesn't know about it yet. I guess he will when I publish my book. Hey dad I like to wear dresses! I hope I'm nowhere near him, I truly wonder if he would kill or hurt me. He will never understand. I'm not even sure I do. Yet, I see a pretty dress I want to put it on and be pretty. Sounds so odd to say! The male part of me is totally against the idea! I'm not an "average" cross dresser if there is such a thing. I'm not much of an "average" anything am I? I'm on the verge of tears all over clothes! Seems silly, doesn't it? 
 I guess it all goes back in some degree to childhood. I was possibly beaten by bullies for walking and talking "different". It makes you almost afraid to be yourself doesn't it? What if you are different? Will the world beat you, kill you? Not pleasant thoughts are they? This is one reason I hid, probably the main reason. I knew my father would never accept it, or my family. I had to come to terms with the fact that I may be disowned by my entire family. It doesn’t help that I have kids. Not sure how I’ll explain it to them.
            Practicality, believe it or not is another reason. It is easier and cheaper to live as a man. If I cross dress I need women’s clothes. From underwear to dresses, makeup is expensive as well.
            Then why am I doing this? Good question. It started with a story believe it or not. I took a creative writing class because I’ve been writing poems for over twenty years. Most I threw away. One of my stories ended up being about being about a cross dresser. As with all my stories they are more or less about me. Then I told my creative writing teacher I wanted to cross dress, the a friend in the writing center, then more friends, then my sister, then Google+, then my mother! Now online if someone wants to know more about me one of the first things I invite them to is my cross dressing community. People on Google+ keep adding me, it’s a bit insane. I get hit on by bi sexual men and all though I’m not bi or gay it is kind of nice! It makes me feel pretty or handsome or at least sexually attractive.
            I still struggle with cross dressing. A while ago I put on my pantyhose and I had forgotten how nice it was! All I have is a pair of panties, possibly two pairs of pantyhose, and some makeup my creative writing teacher gave me. I hope to learn how to use it! It is a process. I’m doing some research to try and learn my head from a whole in the ground. People seem to read my blog, is ninety nine views good? Better than none for sure!
I guess the journey has begun. Not sure where, when, or how it will end. I hope to be signing books in full drag! You heard right! Why not?! Not sure who to dress as. Maybe I should be Marilyn. I think I have an idea for a dress if I can get a job or make some money. Think that is enough for tonight.