Monday, February 16, 2015

Comfort Zone

All my life I've been encouraged to "blend in", so you don't stand out. It is the way of the survivor. Keep your head down and mouth shut, and you'll survive. Yes, you'll survive, but you will not live. Living is pushing yourself, challenging yourself and others. Standing, when others run in terror and facing your fears.

Facing you fears isn't easy. Escaping you comfort zone is a challenge. Yet, as I look back, facing your fears and being yourself is when you live. It is past time to escape the shadows of my depression, to break free. To face the consequences of my mistakes.

It is time for me to live as my own person. I'm me, I'll never be what you want me to be. I'm what I am. Hate me, love me, it doesn't matter. I have to be true to myself. I can't try and appease you, I never will, I never have. Some say I broke the mold, fuck breaking it, blow the fucker up.

It is time, brother death, for me to live. I'm tired of living in your shadow. It is time to be free, to be me, what ever that is. For me not to blend in, to step forward and say fuck you! It's my life, I'll do my best at it, and I'll try my best to do the right thing. Yet, I have to be true to myself. I live too long worrying. Bowing to the "Gods" of life, a life in chains, a life half lived due to fear.

Till one day I woke up, living in fear is no life at all. I began to snap the chains of my captivity. Sure, some are still there. With each day, I break one, the monster is free, and perhaps realizing he isn't a monster.

What am I? What is my future? I'll never know what I am in someways, or will I? I must face my doubts. I must face my fears. It will not be easy, but it is better than no life at all. *snaps chain* You ready world?!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Comic Con

September 4, 2014, I went to Comic Con in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was in my R2d2 dress with purple tights.
I was planning to go to Comic Con at 2:00 PM, since that is when it started. However I read that there was a costume parade at 12:00 PM. I decided to try and go to the parade as well. I began getting ready in the bathroom, bringing all my cross dressing supplies there. I shaved my face and part of my chest, then took a shower.
I put on blue tights, a white bra and my R2D2 dress. I also put on makeup, and my wig. When I was almost done I realized that I had run my blue tights. I was not happy! I took them off, and changed into my purple tights. I put on my tennis shoes, because they were repaving the road by my mom's house and I didn't want to get my flats dirty, if the road was sticky. I grabbed some water bottles and protein bars for my hypoglycemia, as well as my heels, my purse, wallet and cell phone.
I walked out of the bathroom in full fem, worried at my mom's reaction. She just kept saying oh my, and wondered what the neighbors would think, then laughed.
I walked to my car, since the road was closed. I used the app Waze to get to parking. I found out that the lot I was going to use was charging more due to the event. I had forgotten my cell phone charging cable, which was a bad mistake.
I paid for my parking, and walked a few blocks to the event. One woman ask me if the large white building was for Comic Con, I told her I believed it was. She said she figured I was going, due to the way I was dressed. I told her that I wasn't dressed that way for the fun of it, then corrected myself and said, maybe a little.
I found the building, but was at the wrong door. I walked to the correct door and walked in, the lines! Oh my word the lines! I found out you couldn't have outside water, and later food as well. So, I had to throw my water away! I had to find the registration line, which took a bit, because I wasn't sure what line was what, and then had to register. I found out I put on my wristband wrong. They helped me get another one and even helped me get it on correctly. Again I had to find the correct line for general admission, again with help I found it. Then the wait began.
While I was in line, two people with press badges took my photo. The one was a woman and posed with me. She was kind of funny. At Comic Con, if you're a man posing with a woman, you are supposed to put your arm by the top of her shoulders and leave a little gap between her and you, so you don't make her feel uncomfortable. This is what she did to me, perhaps to make sure I wasn't uncomfortable.
I had gotten to the event at early, and decided to stay in line, since I would most likely miss the parade anyway. As I stood in line, the line kept getting longer. People would throw out t shirts or water bottles to the crowd. It seemed like a very long wait and my feet were sore from standing. I was glad I had worn my flats and decided that the high heels I had brought would be a no go.
Finally we got in, I started on one side of the building and worked my way across. I got turned around a few times, but tried to keep to a pattern so I could see most everything. There was a lot of art, t shirts, figures, even a few dresses and corsets. Most everything was over priced for me, but then I'm pretty broke.

I took some photos at the event. It's hard to remember the order I took them, so I'll just include them all.
Yes, me and Snow White. It was a free picture as long as you used #cancerisaroyalpain whenever you share it, so I am.
Pretty sure she's Black Widow from The Avengers.
One of my online friends is really into My Little Pony, so I saw this and took a picture, thinking of her.
One version of the Batmobile, if you paid a dollar, you could take a picture. So, I paid my dollar.
Another version of Batmobile, with the same rule, so another dollar.
My oldest son loves Legos, so part of the Lego's club exhibit.
A cool looking hatchet, I saw.
A nice dress on I found.
Thor and Wonder Woman out of Legos
A statue of Gandalf.
Velma Dinkley from Scooby Doo.
I have another picture of me with a computer rendered background, but am waiting to get the copy.
Two people at the show said that I was a pregnant R2D2, since I'm overweight and was in a dress. It was a bit insulting, but life goes on. A few men ask to take photos of me with them, and one booth took a picture of me in front of the booth. A few women complemented me on my dress, and I complemented the dresses of a few women as well. Two women ask me who I was dressed as, I explained R2D2. One woman ask me if I dressed often. I told her when I could, she seemed very nice and complemented me as well. One guy dressed as a member of the Umbrella Corporation, gave me a fist bump and later said he liked my dress. One guy said that I was the best looking women at the event. I wasn't sure how to take that, so just said thank you. One booth put some color in my wig, which was kind of fun.
I meet Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weis and talked to them a bit and thanked them for The Chronicles and The Legends series of books that they wrote.
I ate overpriced pizza and drank overpriced orange juice, after that sat down for a while near a stage where people where fighting with foam shields and swords. My feet and I was tired, and it was nice to sit. I got to see people asking Ron Perlman questions, and found out he was in a tv show I used to watch when I was younger called Beauty and the Beast, which I didn't know.
Then I walked to the Megaplex, and stood inline for Star Trek Continues. It was an awesome job! I said hi to Grant Imahara, one of the stars of the film, and said I liked his robots in Mythbusters. I talked very briefly with Vic Mignogna, who plays Captain Kirk and said if possible I'd like to try and write a script for an episode. I also ask him about voice acting and he told me to come back on September 5, 2014, when he would be doing a panel on that. I don't have the money to go back, but life goes on. I did contact his Facebook page for Star Trek Continues. I doubt I'll get a response, but you never know if you don't try.
I walked back to my car, my cell phone battery was dying and I was very nervous about getting lost in downtown Salt Lake. Downtown isn't the safest place at night. I finally found my car, turned my phone on, since I'd been turning it off frequently trying to save battery life. It gave me directions to where I knew how to get home and then died.
I got home probably about 1:00 AM and discovered my mom had called the police, due to being worried about me. I felt bad about that, I hadn't meant to worry her. I couldn't sleep due to the excitement of the day, and the phone rang at about 1:20 AM. It was the police, asking for my mom. I told them she was asleep. They ask who I was, I said that I was her son, and tried to apologize. The officer ask me how Comic Con was, I said there was a lot of people! Then I went to bed and tried to sleep. I also posted my pictures on Facebook, Google+ and even one on Twiter of Comic Con.
At about 6:20 AM my mom woke me up reminding me to move my car, since they were going to repave where it was next. I moved my car, and ate breakfast. I eventually went back to bed. That was my day at Comic Con. It would have been nice to buy some items from the event, but it was still fun!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Misfit, yes, that's me

My mom, says my sister was complaining about my Facebook posts. Not sure if mom is lying or not. I wouldn't be surprised. either way. I'm not perfect like my sister, never will be. I swear to much, I've had a lot of regrets (most of my life in fact) Even if I changed, I know it wouldn't be enough. For one thing, I'm going to keep cross dressing. Sorry sis, I'm an embarrassment, a bad example, and a fuck up. (but I'm me.)

It is hard on me that my family will never accept me. I doubt they ever have. I've always been the disappointment, the failure, the embarrassment. It hurts a lot, but I guess I should be used to emotional pain by now. Some days I wish I had no emotions. It might make life easier.

Unfortunately, life has emotions. I still don't understand my emotions. I'm not sure if I ever will.

Perhaps I should have killed myself. Even then my family would have been disappointed. My mom would be upset about the blood on her carpet. You know how hard that's going to be get out! My dad, well he was always weak, why should I be surprised? My sister, at least it would be my final embarrassment. Maybe they would morn, I'm not sure. I'm still not sure how I'll feel when my parents die, to be honest. The only thing I know is that I would miss them in some ways. In other, I'd have to fight back the hate. I'd want to scream "you never accepted me! You never will! All I am to you is a disappointment.My sister, I'll probably die first. To her, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never lived up to what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry, I was always a misfit.

I told my ex wife to sell what she could of my stuff when I moved, give away or burn the rest. Yep, that's me. Most days I just want to die. Something most hopefully will never understand. I'm bitter, I'll admit. I'm bitter that I'm not dead. All I do is disappoint people. I'm not sure what they want, but it isn't me. It never has been, never will be.

I've stopped talking to Rebekah. I still possibly love her, but what does it matter? She deserves better than me for sure, and I know she doesn't feel the same. I didn't expect her to. I was dumb of me to tell her of my possibly for her. Too late now. I hope she finds happiness. She needs it, we all do.

I'm sorry world, I don't know what you want, but it isn't me. Sorry I disappointed you.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I've changed...

A few days ago I got a letter from friend of the court in Michigan. It did not make a good impression on me. So, I emailed them the following:
"My case number is 2011-001940-DM. I am behind on my payments because I can't afford them. I only work part time at Uhaul and am luck to make about $500 every two weeks. I know you don't care, but my payment is too high. I guess if you want to ruin my life and imprison me for money I'll never get due to being in prison, then enjoy ruining a life for nothing. Also enjoy spending government money on keeping me in prison. (Like I say, I know you don't care, and this is an email is a waste of time, but it is frustrating.)"

They responded with the following:
"Mr. Jones:

WOW!  That’s a lot of assuming!

I know you don't care, but my payment is too high.  You really don’t know anything about this office or me as the Director of this office.  IF you did, (instead of just believing what you hear from angry friends) then you would know that we do care that parents cannot make their obligations.  You see, we are funded by state and federal dollars and our funding is based upon collection of child support, so if we cannot collect--- our funding is cut.  I have 12 employees that I care very much about and so we need your order to be “the right size” so you make your payments and we get our funding so my people have jobs and can feed their family!

I guess if you want to ruin my life and imprison me for money I'll never get due to being in prison, then enjoy ruining a life for nothing.   Not sure where you got this idea from?   Why would I enjoy ruining someone’s life?    Stop believing everything you hear about Friend of the Court and pick up the phone and call the office and ask what options you have to “right size “ your order due to your current employment situation.  You see, the law says that you have the right to file a motion any time you want and request that the court look at your situation and calculate child support based upon the law.  IF you took the time to call the office rather than writing some rant, you would find that we would send you all the paperwork you need to get in front of the judge without having to hire an attorney. 

You’ve done this in the past, here is the note from May 2008   Tx from NCP father, his address is 121 W 900 North, Apt #1, Logan, UT 84321.  Told him how to submit address change.  NCP wants to change support amt.  Sending him a motion packet to new address. 

Here is a note from Nov 2013:  NCP called - recvd pwork asking for him to send in taxes from last year -- he didn't work last year & didn't file any taxes.  Directed him to notate that on the ?naire.  Went to confirm his address -- IT IS NOT CORRECT in system - directed him to submit change in writing.  Then NCP states the mail was forwarded to him - he lives in Utah now.  Will notate his new address on the ?naire.

Also enjoy spending government money on keeping me in prison. (Like I say, I know you don't care, and this is an email is a waste of time, but it is frustrating.)   We don’t put people in prison for non-payment of child support so get that out of your vocabulary.    Also, you can see that I do respond to all correspondence so it’s not a waste of your time or mine.  Based upon your rude and ranting email, we will send you a motion packet as we have done in the past and you can file that motion and have a hearing to adjust or “right size” your order.  Now, remember, if the law that we have to follow doesn’t allow for a reduction don’t blame us, use your email to rant-on  to the Michigan Supreme Court that sets the law we have to follow in calculating child support.  I don’t know what will happened to  your support, but I’m just saying that if you don’t like the result save the rude ranting email for the right department. 

We have an address of :  6846 ABBEY GLEN WAY #D   WEST VALLEY  UT  84128 , so that’s where the paperwork will be sent.


I was rude and ranted? To me that is laughable. However I tried to be nice and responded to the email.

"I have called in the past, and been told multiple times that is based on gross income, end of story. Most every call I’ve had to FOC has been a bad experience. In fact I’m dreading calling again, because you may say one thing, but when I call, I’ll be told that it is based on gross income again."

"I will call your office, and most likely be “blown off” again. As far as prison, read the letter you send people. I quote, “If you do not pay support as ordered, the court may order you to apper and explain why you should not be held in contempt (by the way, I would be since, not sure how I would pay to fly to Michigan to explain.) “of court for failure to pay. (This is called an “Order to Show Case”). If the court finds that you are in contempt, it can punish you by putting you in jail.” Seems clear to me, and from my previous experience I have no faith in FOC or the court system. I will assume the worst and hope I’m wrong, but I will not hold my breath. You have my correct address. Again, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get to Michigan to defend myself."

"If I’m rude, so are most of the people I’ve talked to at FOC on the phone. They act like they truly don’t care, and will have no issues trying to enforce amounts that are based on gross income which, to me is flawed. However, I don’t blame FOC for this; I blame laws that are written, in my option poorly. I don’t mean to be rude, but get tired of rude treatment (in the past) and a letter that I perceive as nothing more than a threat, and trying to intimidate me. If I could pay I would, and most people I’ve talked to one the phone at FOC, wouldn’t believe that if my life depended on it. Since this has been the case in the past, I have learned from experience that people on the phone at FOC don’t care at all. I’ll call tomorrow, and probably receive the same poor treatment. If not, I’ll honestly be surprised.  Also this is the email listed on FOC’s website. So, if it is the wrong email, then it needs to be corrected, or you’ll probably get similar emails from other people mistreated on the phone, like I have been. (if I’m rude, it’s because of how I’ve been treated, which true isn’t right, but what goes around, comes around.)"

Since they told me to email the Supreme Court of Michigan, I did.
"I was refereed to your email by friend of the court. I feel basing child support off gross income is flawed. I don't even see my gross income. Federal and state taxes take some of it. Also, food, shelter, transportation are not figured in, also if you want health care, this is not factored in as well. I doubt the state of Michigan or the federal government care. However if people such as myself ending up in jail for amounts they can't afford, then it benefits no one. Perhaps a simple view, but a lot of truth to it."

I don't expect a reply from the Supreme Court of Michigan. Friend of the court, of Michigan may email me and again tell me how I'm ranting and rude. To me, they seem more rude and ranting than I do, but what do I know.

I will call friend of the court tomorrow. That will most likely do no good, and be an exercise in futility, but I'll try anyway.

After doing all this, I realized again, how much I've changed. There was a time that I would have done nothing and been upset and feared going to jail. I still fear going to jail, however now, I say bring it on! If you want to ruin my life, do so. I'm tired of your threats. If you're going to do it, just get it over with! I'm just tired of people trying to intimidate or threaten me.

If I go to jail, it wouldn't be fun for sure, and I might not even survive. However, to me the government just doesn't care. I'm just a name and a number and nothing more. They said they'd make it public in the letter they sent me. Fine, let's make it public. Let's push this to the hilt and see how people like it?! I've faced death, you think you will intimidate me? You're wrong, I may fear, but I will stand and look you in the eye. You will see death in my face, and you will wonder who I am. As I've stated before, "I'm the freak you seek", beat me, kill me, do what you will. I will face my fears, I will face you. Win or lose, I'm me, and perhaps, you will learn to respect the man that should be dead.

Monday, June 16, 2014

I need to try and keep track of things

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog, too long. As I was working on my autobiography, I realized my blogs just ended suddenly. I know a big part of it was I got discouraged. I was never sure if anyone read it. The blogs do help a lot with my autobiography a lot, however.

Jessica Who's blog, videos, and almost everything relating to her is gone now. My biggest inspiration just disappeared from being online.

While it is true that there are and probably will continue to be large gaps in my videos and more so, this blog, I hope that I can keep doing it. Perhaps I'm someone else's inspiration. I've realized it is difficult to go on with something, when the person who helped you start disappears. I'm not mad at Jessica, worried, perhaps disappointed, but not mad. She helped me along my path, and for that I'll always be grateful to her. However, I have to find the strength to go on with, or without her.

You can't always depend on people. For all of us there comes a time when you have to stand on your own. You have to face your demons. You have to face a world, that may never understand you, and most of all you have to be true to yourself. Others may laugh at you, but if you aren't true to yourself, you are lying to everyone. I've realized that now. Living in fear has been a life half lived for me. Few if any knew the true me. I was afraid of being hurt, or made fun of. Yet, as I work on freeing myself, from my prison of fear, it has altered my life. Sometimes it is frightening, but yet what is risk with out reward? You can't live in fear forever. If you try it, you will discover, like I have that you haven't lived at all.

I'm not sure how, or if my life will change if I publish my book. It will be interesting to see. If I do publish it, I owe a few signed copies to people who have ask for them. I will dedicate it to a few as well Mrs. Morford, Jacqueline Dalley, Ryan Pavlica, Erika Kovich and Deborah Vasquez. These are just some of the people who helped me. If it wasn't for Mrs. Morford, I may have never started writing. It is odd how some people can alter your life.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Marilyn goes shopping

On September 23rd, Marilyn decided to get her first dress. She’ld waiting for a long time or should I say I’ve been waiting for a long time? Perhaps an introduction is in order. My legal name is Jason Jones. However I’m also Marilyn. Yes, I’m a man that likes to cross dress. My life is currently a disaster. It’s a long story, one I need to finish writing. However we’re getting off track.
Currently I live with my mom. It isn’t a pleasant experience. She says she loves me, yet tells me I’m mentally ill for cross dressing. It tears me apart. Why the 23rd? My mom wasn’t home that’s why! I walked to Lane Bryant. Yes, I said walked. It was hot outside so I stopped at Wal-Mart to buy a drink. I remember I was in my camouflage shorts and a Snoopy t-shirt. Probably not something most cross dressers would wear. I’ve never worried about men’s fashion however. Finally I made it to the store, I walked in, here goes nothing!
 There weren’t very many people in the store which I was thankful for. I wondered the store looking for dresses. There weren’t many dresses, possibly due to the time of year. I found a sweater dress I like finally. I wondered near the cash registers and ask if it was all right if I tried it on. The sales lady grabbed the keys to the dressing room and walked me over to one of the doors. She knocked on it, checking if anyone was in the small room. Then, she opened the door so I could go in. I took off my shorts and t-shirt and tried the dress on in my boxers. It was a strange experience. I could other women talking. The dress fit, I looked a little pregnant in it do to be being overweight.  It was discouraging, but it was a dress!
I found some Spanx by looking at the weight and height measurements on the package. Then another sales lady ask me if I needed a room, I said no since I had my dress. Somewhere in the process I started looking at panties. I explained to the sales lady that I wasn’t sure what size I was. She ask me what the size of the dress was. I had to tell her that due to my shoulders the dress was a bigger size, but my waist was much smaller. She looked me over and said “You look my size, which is a 18.” I bought one pair of 14/16 panties and three of 18/20. It was cheaper to by four due to the pricing.
I went to pay for my items; I was starting to lease nervous. I notice the sales lady. She was chubby and cute! She asks me for my phone number, address and if I wanted to apply for a credit card. I gave her all the information and applied for a credit card, why not? As was ringing me up she asks me if I had found everything I wanted. I told her I wanted one more thing, but wasn’t sure on the size of it either. As she rang up the panties, she said I love purple too! I explained that I was color blind and wasn’t sure if they were blue or purple. This seemed to surprise her, but she was friendly and smiling. After what felt like forever she had me rung up, as I paid for my items I said “Is there a good time to get measured for a bra?” Or words like that. She surprised me and said she could do it right then. She told me to hold up my hand above my head while she tightened the measuring tape around me. She bumped against me which was nice for me. She measured in a few places; ask me to breathe in and out. I said some like “I know this is weird.” She told me there were other guys that had come in before and it wasn’t a big deal. Then she gave me my bra size, 44 b or 42c she said. I ask her to write it down for me which she did.
I walked out of the store pretty happy, even though I still had to walk home. I had turned the pedometer app on when I left home and wondered how far I would end up walking. I walked over to Wal-Mart and bought another drink and a bra. I went to the 20 items or less line, but the person in front of me apparently couldn’t count. They had a cart full of groceries. When they paid, they didn’t have enough money in their account and had to take some items off after calling their bank. The cashier rolled her eyes while they called and I tried not to laugh. Finally it was my turn the cashier scanned the drink and the bra. Then she said something like “I like your shirt sweetheart.” I said thanks and started walking home.
It felt longer on the way home. A truck passed me and I think yelled something about Lane Bryant being expensive and probably making fun of me. I had to agree that Lane Bryant is kind of expensive and shrugged the rest off.
After what felt like a very long time I got back home. My feet were sore, I looked at the pedometer, five miles, no wonder. I wasn’t used to walking. I took a shower; I didn’t want to get my dress messy! Then I got dressed, starting with the bra and panties. I was happy on the panties I was the 14/16 size. I also put on the bra, then the Spanx, pantyhose, and finally the dress.
I grabbed my video camera and put it on the tripod. Then I filmed myself in my dress and also painted my finger nails. After which I uploaded it to YouTube. I went on Google plus while it uploaded and started posting as usual, only in drag. I stayed in my dress as long as I could. It was about eight pm by now and I hadn’t eaten. I didn’t want to get my dress dirty, plus my mom would be home somewhat soon. So, I changed back into some other clothes. I hung up my dress in the closet and eat my pizza.
What a day! I will admit I was saddened by the fact that I had to change back and even considered meeting my mom in drag. I didn’t, I didn’t want to be lectured for what felt like hours on how I was destroying my life. I hope I can dress up again!