Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Misfit, yes, that's me

My mom, says my sister was complaining about my Facebook posts. Not sure if mom is lying or not. I wouldn't be surprised. either way. I'm not perfect like my sister, never will be. I swear to much, I've had a lot of regrets (most of my life in fact) Even if I changed, I know it wouldn't be enough. For one thing, I'm going to keep cross dressing. Sorry sis, I'm an embarrassment, a bad example, and a fuck up. (but I'm me.)

It is hard on me that my family will never accept me. I doubt they ever have. I've always been the disappointment, the failure, the embarrassment. It hurts a lot, but I guess I should be used to emotional pain by now. Some days I wish I had no emotions. It might make life easier.

Unfortunately, life has emotions. I still don't understand my emotions. I'm not sure if I ever will.

Perhaps I should have killed myself. Even then my family would have been disappointed. My mom would be upset about the blood on her carpet. You know how hard that's going to be get out! My dad, well he was always weak, why should I be surprised? My sister, at least it would be my final embarrassment. Maybe they would morn, I'm not sure. I'm still not sure how I'll feel when my parents die, to be honest. The only thing I know is that I would miss them in some ways. In other, I'd have to fight back the hate. I'd want to scream "you never accepted me! You never will! All I am to you is a disappointment.My sister, I'll probably die first. To her, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never lived up to what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry, I was always a misfit.

I told my ex wife to sell what she could of my stuff when I moved, give away or burn the rest. Yep, that's me. Most days I just want to die. Something most hopefully will never understand. I'm bitter, I'll admit. I'm bitter that I'm not dead. All I do is disappoint people. I'm not sure what they want, but it isn't me. It never has been, never will be.

I've stopped talking to Rebekah. I still possibly love her, but what does it matter? She deserves better than me for sure, and I know she doesn't feel the same. I didn't expect her to. I was dumb of me to tell her of my possibly for her. Too late now. I hope she finds happiness. She needs it, we all do.

I'm sorry world, I don't know what you want, but it isn't me. Sorry I disappointed you.