Saturday, May 25, 2013

The girl inside.

As I struggle to be myself. I know in some ways I will bring dishonor to my family. As a boy I was very much into the Japanese tradition of death before dishonor. As the song says I will break my family’s heart. Yet, I must be true to myself. I think a lot of my personal pain has come from trying to hide a lot of things. When I told my mother her first question was if I was on drugs while I struggled to start explaining things. I wouldn’t know cocaine from sugar! Other than I’ve heard they taste different thanks to Cops. I had to fight back the urge to laugh!

People that "know" me in real life would never guess that I want to cross dress. If anyone really knows me at all, I don't really talk to people much in real life. Who knows me best? Probably people on Google+, people that in some ways are close to total strangers. I’ve never meet them, some I don’t even know their real name, or possibly even their real gender. Yet, I would call them friends. There are well over a hundred people on Google+ that know I want to cross dress. Most accept it very well. I don’t think I’ve ran into one negative response yet. I have one friend that calls me my female name even. It is kind of odd to hear in a way. It does make me smile. Marilyn they say.
I know I need to do my makeup. Trying to get up the courage to do it, I need to shave too. A problem most women don’t have at least on their face!
Seems like almost everything I do takes some courage, at least for me. Coming out as a cross dresser on Google+ was a challenge! I guess I need to do the same on Facebook. I’m not looking forward to that! Yet, I know I need to. The truth will come out one way or another. What will the real world think of Marilyn Jones? My mother says I should stop cross dressing. She knows about the fashion blog. I told her, hoping for understanding. I should have known better. I have dishonored my family. Some days I wonder if I have dishonored everyone including myself. I guess most wouldn’t understand. To me however honor is life. However, I have no honor. Maybe I will someday. I’m not sure. I told a teacher of mine that I’m a simple person. She said that I am not. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m complicated. I sure don’t know, I’m just me.
Half male, half female in mind; trying to find the balance in life. Trying to accept myself. Discovering that I may never be loved or accepted. Working on coming to terms with all of this.
I think of my life, in some ways it has never been easy. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I hope to get a dress and wear it proudly, with a smile on my face. Perhaps someday I will be able to say I am Marilyn Jones and I’m a cross dressing, fashion blogging, car and woman loving girl!
          Well I’ve stayed up to late as it is, trying to figure out what to write.



Friday, May 17, 2013

It’s going to be a long summer!

I try and think of Marilyn as the happier side of myself, but right now my personal life is worse than usual. I usually don’t talk about this stuff much. I guess there is still a lot I try and “hide” from the world. For those that don’t know I live with my ex-wife. Living conditions aren’t the best, but I try not to complain too much. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat. It’s more than some can say.
            About two or three weeks ago she crashed her brand new motorcycle. She broke her ankle and well, my life went even more to crap. I get to do basically everything for her while she treats me like dirt. If I say anything I’m the bad person, or the house is a mess, or whatever.  Every day, day in day out she treats me like crap. Fun, isn’t it? Yet I’m not supposed to say anything or do hardly anything.
            I’m supposed to do everything she wants when she wants, no questions ask. It’s frustrating. I feel like I have not life. All I do is for her and the kids. All I hear is complaints about how I do things wrong. Or what more I could do. I don’t matter; I am just an inconvenience in her “perfect” world.
            There just isn’t much happiness now. When the ex’s leg heals she’ll kick me out. It’s so lovely to be used and thrown away.
I tried to cheer myself up by buying some makeup, but honestly when will I use it! I feel like all I do is run, work and get complained at. It is less than enjoyable. The depression is getting to me. I tried to talk about it and was told I just have self-pity.  It must be nice to judge people make them feel like crap I guess. I wouldn’t know.
I got a break from the ex today, because the ex-decided to drive herself to some friends. Idiot, if she doesn’t crash or kill someone I’ll be amazed! She just doesn’t care it’s all about her. She is the center of the universe and if you can’t accept that well, fuck you because you’re an asshole. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.
Sorry it’s not a happy blog, or even a cross dressing blog. I just can’t do it today. It was difficult enough to try and write a fashion article and hold it together. If I could cry I would, but it is a rare day when I cry.
The ex’s leg will take months to heal, so months of being treated like garbage while I try and help her. It doesn’t seem right, but I guess that is self-pity according to some. I’m tried, tired of the crap I get put through. Tired of people saying don’t feel this, or don’t feel that. Well I feel it God damn it! I’m just tired. I honestly didn't even want to write anything at all.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The makeup isle!

So today I decided to brave the makeup isle for a few purchases! My heart raced, I felt like everyone was watching. Trying to find anything in a seemingly endless sea of makeup! I felt like I didn’t know anything! Mouse? I thought was for your hair, desert or an animal! Or is it mousse? I say makeup brushes for sale! I was like wow they do exist! Silly, I know. So, what did I buy? Well not much. Here are some pictures of it.

In case you want to know the color of the lipstick.

Only three items! Yes, only three. You have to start somewhere! As I was driving home I though too myself I should have bought concealer! Then I remembered that I have no idea if this foundation will work. I can always go back if needed. I know it isn’t what every woman dreams of, but I’m not made out of money. I also bought different brands of almost everything!
            Next step? Try putting it on! I shake my head, what am I doing?! Cross dressing makes me question almost everything about myself. I would have never thought I would be going down a makeup isle to buy makeup for myself! Never! Here I am, planning on planning to apply foundation on YouTube! I must be nuts!
            I tried to go with light colors on everything since I have a fair complexion. I probably didn’t need the lipstick, but I wanted it! To quote a song “What a girl wants…”. Yes, I guess part of me wants this. The rest of me is still trying to accept it all.
            Well, wish me luck on makeup 101! I feel like I still know nothing! A woman in the makeup isle said even she feels challenged to buy makeup. I used the, I’m buying makeup for my wife excuse. (too bad I’m single) I’m still not comfortable with most people knowing in real life. I guess I’ll get there. It’s just a lot to deal with for me. Online I tend to be more of myself. In real life I barley talk to people. I’m the shy one, guess that might change.
Guess this is a short one, just had to share!