Saturday, May 25, 2013

The girl inside.

As I struggle to be myself. I know in some ways I will bring dishonor to my family. As a boy I was very much into the Japanese tradition of death before dishonor. As the song says I will break my family’s heart. Yet, I must be true to myself. I think a lot of my personal pain has come from trying to hide a lot of things. When I told my mother her first question was if I was on drugs while I struggled to start explaining things. I wouldn’t know cocaine from sugar! Other than I’ve heard they taste different thanks to Cops. I had to fight back the urge to laugh!

People that "know" me in real life would never guess that I want to cross dress. If anyone really knows me at all, I don't really talk to people much in real life. Who knows me best? Probably people on Google+, people that in some ways are close to total strangers. I’ve never meet them, some I don’t even know their real name, or possibly even their real gender. Yet, I would call them friends. There are well over a hundred people on Google+ that know I want to cross dress. Most accept it very well. I don’t think I’ve ran into one negative response yet. I have one friend that calls me my female name even. It is kind of odd to hear in a way. It does make me smile. Marilyn they say.
I know I need to do my makeup. Trying to get up the courage to do it, I need to shave too. A problem most women don’t have at least on their face!
Seems like almost everything I do takes some courage, at least for me. Coming out as a cross dresser on Google+ was a challenge! I guess I need to do the same on Facebook. I’m not looking forward to that! Yet, I know I need to. The truth will come out one way or another. What will the real world think of Marilyn Jones? My mother says I should stop cross dressing. She knows about the fashion blog. I told her, hoping for understanding. I should have known better. I have dishonored my family. Some days I wonder if I have dishonored everyone including myself. I guess most wouldn’t understand. To me however honor is life. However, I have no honor. Maybe I will someday. I’m not sure. I told a teacher of mine that I’m a simple person. She said that I am not. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m complicated. I sure don’t know, I’m just me.
Half male, half female in mind; trying to find the balance in life. Trying to accept myself. Discovering that I may never be loved or accepted. Working on coming to terms with all of this.
I think of my life, in some ways it has never been easy. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I hope to get a dress and wear it proudly, with a smile on my face. Perhaps someday I will be able to say I am Marilyn Jones and I’m a cross dressing, fashion blogging, car and woman loving girl!
          Well I’ve stayed up to late as it is, trying to figure out what to write.