Friday, June 21, 2013

Should I say goodbye?

I’m still going through a lot personally. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to cross dress totally in real life. Perhaps I should have never started this blog. Perhaps I should have never came out as a cross dresser online.
            I’m not sure if I can do this blog anymore. People want an example. People want me to be something, I’m not sure what. Seems like people have great expectations of me, not sure why. I’m just me, I consider myself to be simple in some ways.
            Some say I’m a girl (mentally) I say I’m torn between two worlds, one male and one female. I don’t seem to belong in ether. I don’t seem to belong at all. Never have, doubt I ever will. My depression is high, so is the pain, emotional pain, but still pain. I’m used to pain, both physical and emotional. The tolls have been high. Most of the time I feel I have paid the tolls in my own pain, in my own blood.
            I guess some would not understand. I’m not sure I do even. Some part of me still want to die, to end the pain.
            I feel like I have failed everyone disappointed everyone. I have no honor. As I said in a previous post “death before dishonor.”
            There seems to be nothing left but pain, hate, despair. Is that all I am? I think I used to be something different. That part of me died a long time ago. I buried that part of myself. Even found a place to bury it, perhaps not literally, but symbolically. Whatever was left walked away. Broken, shattered, never the same. I wanted to go to where that part of me is buried. I know the place, a small unmarked piece of concrete probably unnoticed by most. Not by a small broken boy who died there that day. That boy was me. I have my own grave. I feel like I’m dead in some ways. What is left isn’t what I used to be. I have forgotten who I was.
            Perhaps this will be my last blog entry. I ended one blog all ready. A blog of my pain, a blog probably hardly anyone read. Perhaps it is time to end this one too. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone, like the nightmares long ago. Nightmares that I try to block out, possible memories of how I came to be who I am.

If I don’t do any more cross dressing blogs, goodbye  I guess I’ll keep doing my fashion articles, not even sure of that. Not sure of anything anymore.

Thursday, June 13, 2013


I was listening to the song we don’t need another hero. It seems our world is falling apart. I don’t think I’m much of a hero, but I think I have the heart of hero or heroine. Since I couldn’t think of anything else to write, and to be honest I’m somewhat depressed. What kind of hero would I be? Sometimes the outfit changes, but I know my hero. The face of a warrior.

War paint, from times much gone by, it is my face. The black for evil I see in myself. The white for the good, the yellow was supposed to be a lightning bolt. This creation is based of my depression, my hate, and my pain. I named him even. I named him Twisted Metal for a story, my story. A story of a broken person, myself.
            Marilyn is his polar opposite; perhaps she is the white in the mask. If so Twisted is the black.
            In this strange world that I may never understand I often think of the pain that helped create me. If I can control the pain, the hate, perhaps I can do some good in this hell we call home.
            Marilyn likes her dresses. So let’s a little playful with the hero today, the face remains the same. Confuse people, make them possible doubt themselves, and cause possible fear. The way of the warrior. All be it a very strange one.
            For a top a corset seems to feel right.
Pretty, yet possibly useful with the belt. If you have a belt might as well use it!

Daggers are always handy. What is a warrior without a sword?
You can almost never have too many weapons though! So, some little surprises for close battle.
Two tomahawks!
                For longer range a crossbow.
You might need something to protect your hands and forearms, so true gauntlet gloves.
A shield never hurts, and why not my favorite a one from Sparta! 
It’s also a good idea protect your head!
I couldn't find a skirt that I liked, but some possibilities are black or purple leather or canvas. You want it belled and not tight fitting for easy movement. You could also possibly hide your tomahawks under the skirt if you wanted. If you wonder why leather or canvas they are pretty tough fabrics, made for some abuse.

For footwear as a warrior, boots!

For pantyhose color black of course!

A warriors jewelry is his or her scars, the blood of themselves, and the enemy! Perhaps one of the strangest warriors or heroes in history. Yet, there was Joan of Ark! Proves it is inside that counts, even if society doesn’t accept you. As I wonder what the future will bring us, I hope for the best and fear for the worst.



As far as Twisted, well he hates almost everyone. Try not to take it personally! He even hates himself if it makes you feel better.