Friday, June 21, 2013

Should I say goodbye?

I’m still going through a lot personally. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to cross dress totally in real life. Perhaps I should have never started this blog. Perhaps I should have never came out as a cross dresser online.
            I’m not sure if I can do this blog anymore. People want an example. People want me to be something, I’m not sure what. Seems like people have great expectations of me, not sure why. I’m just me, I consider myself to be simple in some ways.
            Some say I’m a girl (mentally) I say I’m torn between two worlds, one male and one female. I don’t seem to belong in ether. I don’t seem to belong at all. Never have, doubt I ever will. My depression is high, so is the pain, emotional pain, but still pain. I’m used to pain, both physical and emotional. The tolls have been high. Most of the time I feel I have paid the tolls in my own pain, in my own blood.
            I guess some would not understand. I’m not sure I do even. Some part of me still want to die, to end the pain.
            I feel like I have failed everyone disappointed everyone. I have no honor. As I said in a previous post “death before dishonor.”
            There seems to be nothing left but pain, hate, despair. Is that all I am? I think I used to be something different. That part of me died a long time ago. I buried that part of myself. Even found a place to bury it, perhaps not literally, but symbolically. Whatever was left walked away. Broken, shattered, never the same. I wanted to go to where that part of me is buried. I know the place, a small unmarked piece of concrete probably unnoticed by most. Not by a small broken boy who died there that day. That boy was me. I have my own grave. I feel like I’m dead in some ways. What is left isn’t what I used to be. I have forgotten who I was.
            Perhaps this will be my last blog entry. I ended one blog all ready. A blog of my pain, a blog probably hardly anyone read. Perhaps it is time to end this one too. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone, like the nightmares long ago. Nightmares that I try to block out, possible memories of how I came to be who I am.

If I don’t do any more cross dressing blogs, goodbye  I guess I’ll keep doing my fashion articles, not even sure of that. Not sure of anything anymore.