Misfit, yes, that's me

My mom, says my sister was complaining about my Facebook posts. Not sure if mom is lying or not. I wouldn't be surprised. either way. I'm not perfect like my sister, never will be. I swear to much, I've had a lot of regrets (most of my life in fact) Even if I changed, I know it wouldn't be enough. For one thing, I'm going to keep cross dressing. Sorry sis, I'm an embarrassment, a bad example, and a fuck up. (but I'm me.)

It is hard on me that my family will never accept me. I doubt they ever have. I've always been the disappointment, the failure, the embarrassment. It hurts a lot, but I guess I should be used to emotional pain by now. Some days I wish I had no emotions. It might make life easier.

Unfortunately, life has emotions. I still don't understand my emotions. I'm not sure if I ever will.

Perhaps I should have killed myself. Even then my family would have been disappointed. My mom would be upset about the blood on her carpet. You know how hard that's going to be get out! My dad, well he was always weak, why should I be surprised? My sister, at least it would be my final embarrassment. Maybe they would morn, I'm not sure. I'm still not sure how I'll feel when my parents die, to be honest. The only thing I know is that I would miss them in some ways. In other, I'd have to fight back the hate. I'd want to scream "you never accepted me! You never will! All I am to you is a disappointment.My sister, I'll probably die first. To her, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never lived up to what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry, I was always a misfit.

I told my ex wife to sell what she could of my stuff when I moved, give away or burn the rest. Yep, that's me. Most days I just want to die. Something most hopefully will never understand. I'm bitter, I'll admit. I'm bitter that I'm not dead. All I do is disappoint people. I'm not sure what they want, but it isn't me. It never has been, never will be.

I've stopped talking to Rebekah. I still possibly love her, but what does it matter? She deserves better than me for sure, and I know she doesn't feel the same. I didn't expect her to. I was dumb of me to tell her of my possibly for her. Too late now. I hope she finds happiness. She needs it, we all do.

I'm sorry world, I don't know what you want, but it isn't me. Sorry I disappointed you.

I've changed...

A few days ago I got a letter from friend of the court in Michigan. It did not make a good impression on me. So, I emailed them the following:

"My case number is 2011-001940-DM. I am behind on my payments because I can't afford them. I only work part time at Uhaul and am luck to make about $500 every two weeks. I know you don't care, but my payment is too high. I guess if you want to ruin my life and imprison me for money I'll never get due to being in prison, then enjoy ruining a life for nothing. Also enjoy spending government money on keeping me in prison. (Like I say, I know you don't care, and this is an email is a waste of time, but it is frustrating.)"

They responded with the following:

"Mr. Jones:

WOW!  That’s a lot of assuming!

I know you don't care, but my payment is too high.  You really don’t know anything about this office or me as the Director of this office.  IF you did, (instead of just believing what you hear from angry friends) then you would know that we do care that parents cannot make their obligations.  You see, we are funded by state and federal dollars and our funding is based upon collection of child support, so if we cannot collect--- our funding is cut.  I have 12 employees that I care very much about and so we need your order to be “the right size” so you make your payments and we get our funding so my people have jobs and can feed their family!

I guess if you want to ruin my life and imprison me for money I'll never get due to being in prison, then enjoy ruining a life for nothing.   Not sure where you got this idea from?   Why would I enjoy ruining someone’s life?    Stop believing everything you hear about Friend of the Court and pick up the phone and call the office and ask what options you have to “right size “ your order due to your current employment situation.  You see, the law says that you have the right to file a motion any time you want and request that the court look at your situation and calculate child support based upon the law.  IF you took the time to call the office rather than writing some rant, you would find that we would send you all the paperwork you need to get in front of the judge without having to hire an attorney. 

You’ve done this in the past, here is the note from May 2008   Tx from NCP father, his address is 121 W 900 North, Apt #1, Logan, UT 84321.  Told him how to submit address change.  NCP wants to change support amt.  Sending him a motion packet to new address. 

Here is a note from Nov 2013:  NCP called - recvd pwork asking for him to send in taxes from last year -- he didn't work last year & didn't file any taxes.  Directed him to notate that on the ?naire.  Went to confirm his address -- IT IS NOT CORRECT in system - directed him to submit change in writing.  Then NCP states the mail was forwarded to him - he lives in Utah now.  Will notate his new address on the ?naire.

Also enjoy spending government money on keeping me in prison. (Like I say, I know you don't care, and this is an email is a waste of time, but it is frustrating.)   We don’t put people in prison for non-payment of child support so get that out of your vocabulary.    Also, you can see that I do respond to all correspondence so it’s not a waste of your time or mine.  Based upon your rude and ranting email, we will send you a motion packet as we have done in the past and you can file that motion and have a hearing to adjust or “right size” your order.  Now, remember, if the law that we have to follow doesn’t allow for a reduction don’t blame us, use your email to rant-on  to the Michigan Supreme Court that sets the law we have to follow in calculating child support.  I don’t know what will happened to  your support, but I’m just saying that if you don’t like the result save the rude ranting email for the right department. 

We have an address of :  6846 ABBEY GLEN WAY #D   WEST VALLEY  UT  84128 , so that’s where the paperwork will be sent.

SUSAN L. THORMAN, DIRECTOR

SHIAWASSEE COUNTY FOC"

I was rude and ranted? To me that is laughable. However I tried to be nice and responded to the email.

"I have called in the past, and been told multiple times that is based on gross income, end of story. Most every call I’ve had to FOC has been a bad experience. In fact I’m dreading calling again, because you may say one thing, but when I call, I’ll be told that it is based on gross income again."

"I will call your office, and most likely be “blown off” again. As far as prison, read the letter you send people. I quote, “If you do not pay support as ordered, the court may order you to apper and explain why you should not be held in contempt (by the way, I would be since, not sure how I would pay to fly to Michigan to explain.) “of court for failure to pay. (This is called an “Order to Show Case”). If the court finds that you are in contempt, it can punish you by putting you in jail.” Seems clear to me, and from my previous experience I have no faith in FOC or the court system. I will assume the worst and hope I’m wrong, but I will not hold my breath. You have my correct address. Again, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get to Michigan to defend myself."

"If I’m rude, so are most of the people I’ve talked to at FOC on the phone. They act like they truly don’t care, and will have no issues trying to enforce amounts that are based on gross income which, to me is flawed. However, I don’t blame FOC for this; I blame laws that are written, in my option poorly. I don’t mean to be rude, but get tired of rude treatment (in the past) and a letter that I perceive as nothing more than a threat, and trying to intimidate me. If I could pay I would, and most people I’ve talked to one the phone at FOC, wouldn’t believe that if my life depended on it. Since this has been the case in the past, I have learned from experience that people on the phone at FOC don’t care at all. I’ll call tomorrow, and probably receive the same poor treatment. If not, I’ll honestly be surprised.  Also this is the email listed on FOC’s website. So, if it is the wrong email, then it needs to be corrected, or you’ll probably get similar emails from other people mistreated on the phone, like I have been. (if I’m rude, it’s because of how I’ve been treated, which true isn’t right, but what goes around, comes around.)"

Since they told me to email the Supreme Court of Michigan, I did.

"I was refereed to your email by friend of the court. I feel basing child support off gross income is flawed. I don't even see my gross income. Federal and state taxes take some of it. Also, food, shelter, transportation are not figured in, also if you want health care, this is not factored in as well. I doubt the state of Michigan or the federal government care. However if people such as myself ending up in jail for amounts they can't afford, then it benefits no one. Perhaps a simple view, but a lot of truth to it."

I don't expect a reply from the Supreme Court of Michigan. Friend of the court, of Michigan may email me and again tell me how I'm ranting and rude. To me, they seem more rude and ranting than I do, but what do I know.

I will call friend of the court tomorrow. That will most likely do no good, and be an exercise in futility, but I'll try anyway.

After doing all this, I realized again, how much I've changed. There was a time that I would have done nothing and been upset and feared going to jail. I still fear going to jail, however now, I say bring it on! If you want to ruin my life, do so. I'm tired of your threats. If you're going to do it, just get it over with! I'm just tired of people trying to intimidate or threaten me.

If I go to jail, it wouldn't be fun for sure, and I might not even survive. However, to me the government just doesn't care. I'm just a name and a number and nothing more. They said they'd make it public in the letter they sent me. Fine, let's make it public. Let's push this to the hilt and see how people like it?! I've faced death, you think you will intimidate me? You're wrong, I may fear, but I will stand and look you in the eye. You will see death in my face, and you will wonder who I am. As I've stated before, "I'm the freak you seek", beat me, kill me, do what you will. I will face my fears, I will face you. Win or lose, I'm me, and perhaps, you will learn to respect the man that should be dead.

I need to try and keep track of things

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog, too long. As I was working on my autobiography, I realized my blogs just ended suddenly. I know a big part of it was I got discouraged. I was never sure if anyone read it. The blogs do help a lot with my autobiography a lot, however.

Jessica Who's blog, videos, and almost everything relating to her is gone now. My biggest inspiration just disappeared from being online.

While it is true that there are and probably will continue to be large gaps in my videos and more so, this blog, I hope that I can keep doing it. Perhaps I'm someone else's inspiration. I've realized it is difficult to go on with something, when the person who helped you start disappears. I'm not mad at Jessica, worried, perhaps disappointed, but not mad. She helped me along my path, and for that I'll always be grateful to her. However, I have to find the strength to go on with, or without her.

You can't always depend on people. For all of us there comes a time when you have to stand on your own. You have to face your demons. You have to face a world, that may never understand you, and most of all you have to be true to yourself. Others may laugh at you, but if you aren't true to yourself, you are lying to everyone. I've realized that now. Living in fear has been a life half lived for me. Few if any knew the true me. I was afraid of being hurt, or made fun of. Yet, as I work on freeing myself, from my prison of fear, it has altered my life. Sometimes it is frightening, but yet what is risk with out reward? You can't live in fear forever. If you try it, you will discover, like I have that you haven't lived at all.

I'm not sure how, or if my life will change if I publish my book. It will be interesting to see. If I do publish it, I owe a few signed copies to people who have ask for them. I will dedicate it to a few as well Mrs. Morford, Jacqueline Dalley, Ryan Pavlica, Erika Kovich and Deborah Vasquez. These are just some of the people who helped me. If it wasn't for Mrs. Morford, I may have never started writing. It is odd how some people can alter your life.